The jumbled words slip through my ears like an elephant on roller skates. I want to understand, I act like I understand, sometimes I even think that I understand what is being said, but in reality, I don’t.
Photo by my husband, Ilya :)
Doubt fills my mind that I’ll ever truly fit in. If half of me is in this new place, and the other half is left in the past, how can I ever completely be a family with these people that are supposed to be the body? If the past rejects me, and the new won’t fully accept me, where does that leave me?
War is in my mind as my thoughts are being tugged back and forth. I’m trying to learn, I’m trying to try, but sometimes I just feel like giving up. Creating community is difficult at most, especially when it seems like no one is interested in being in community with you. Yet, I keep trying, I get defeated – knocked down, and sometimes I stay down, but then God pulls me back up and asks me to keep following Him in faith. I invite others to be a part of community, yet they turn me down – not in words, but in actions. It’s defeating, and it’s exhausting, discouraging, and it hurts, but I can’t give up – I won’t give up.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m the object of their laughter. They speak the words I don’t fully comprehend and I wonder if it’s about me, or if I’m just too paranoid. What is it with this new language that causes me to shy away? The fear of failure, the fear of being misunderstood… I’ve been criticized far too many times with this new way of speaking that I’ve come to only trust one person with these words; but if only one person, how will I learn, how will I grow, how will I communicate?
The Tower of Babel. The people rebelled, so God took away their ability to speak and understand one language. He dispersed them, confused their languages, causing them to not understand. I wonder if America is destroying God’s purpose, or trying to rebuild it on her own terms. Different languages coming together in one country, trying to be a “free” nation, not realizing that there is only true freedom in Christ – and America lost that Truth long ago. We’re all trying to learn, trying to speak one language again in hopes of becoming our own gods, a bigger god, a united god against the GOD… and I wonder if that’s why it hurts. I wonder if that’s why it’s difficult for me to find a place in this new language. I wonder if it will ever get easier, if I’ll ever learn, if I’ll ever be able to communicate, to be a part of this community… and wonder is what I’m left with because I just don’t know, but I’ll keep trying, and I won’t give up this desire to be a part of community – despite the language barriers.
Have you ever felt like you were speaking a different language, or that you didn’t understand someone else’s? How did this affect community?
